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“…. I am conscious of myself. I am conscious that now Andrea is walking, I feel the body in motion, the asphalt under my foots, the air on my face. I am all focused on this. Andrea is walking, here, now, across this street. I take a look around me, coscious that I am that who looks around, a “presence” located into my body. I am not only conscious of what happens all around me and in myself: I am also conscious of being conscious. This is what makes me different from the other humans who live on this planet….Now, the only thing I have todo is tonot loose my attention. I must remain alert, awake, at every cost… at every cost… Suddenly, smeone asks me if I have a cigarette. Of course I have. And five- six minutes kater I find myself walking on the same street, smiling for the funny talk made with that person, when, at once… Oh, f..ck! I forgot to observe myself! While speaking with that man, I didn’t been conscious neither for one second. How did this happened= from the moment I turned my head to him, and searched the pack of cigarettes in my pockets, I litterally vanished. Falled in a total unconscious state. For this whole lapse of time, I functioned in a mechanical way, without being there…”
A state of Identification could be described in simple terms as the act of being the same with the object we are observing till merging ourselves with him, forgetting ourselves and considering ourselves as the object itself. A loss of identity that, in the most extreme cases, could result a clinical problem: a total loss of the perception of reality.
How can we remember ourselves during a conversation? Anyone who includes a practice of self observation in his inner path knows that this is a very difficult task: the most we are identified with a situation, a person, what we have to say, the most is difficult to be present. If, when someone asks me for a cigarette, I could find the “courage” (so the strenght and determination) of remaining totally focused on myself, taking all the necesary time to claim the neccessary time to recall in myself the state of presence between the question of the person and my answer, without being worried if my answer will be prompt and satisfying, then maybe I could have more possibilities to remain “awake” and don’t fall in a state of identification. But, ususllay, I prefer to result mewchanically “efficient” in the other eyes, because I fear that they could labelme as “absent- minded”, clumsy or “strange”.
In a state of odentification the most important ting is to seems “awake” instead of being really awake. If, when someone asks me a cigarette I remember myself, nobody notice nor doesn’t praise what I am doing. But, if in the effort of being present I make a gaff, this will be suddendly noticed, and probably they’ll deride me. So, the advantage are unnoticable, and the disvantages are very noticable. Understand where lies the main problem- where lies our incapacity of remain awake in such situations? We wish to appear in a determined way- efficient, friendly, interesting etc… so we “choose” the comfort of mechanicity so that our social life results less problematic. In this way, we’ll be “functional” but still good puppets.
But if we really wish to awake, if we wish that with all our being, then we have to sacrifice the egoic attitude to “appear” something who will be surely accepted, and becomesomething else that maybe willnoyt result what the other expect from us but at least will be something nearest to what could be called ourselves.
We need the courage of being awake.
So, we’ll try to overcome this obstacle getting round the habits of our Byologycal machine by producing a glimpse of self remembering every time when during a speach we’ll prnounce some specific word.
For example, everytime I, or someone else will say “yes”, I’ll remember myself. Another “good trick” is to evitate to pronounce some words, for example “I”: in this case, we’ll use the term “me”; or insetead of ”ok” we’ll say “allright”, etc…
The first time I realized I was able to remain present during a conversation, was of the most beautiful days of my existence. It wasn’t a pleasant conversation, and I was altered (angry). But, in such moment, I realized that I was there. A part of Andrea was angry, when another part was able to see what was happening. And I felt this second part insideof me as something strong. I was the vibration behind my speech. When looking to the person with which I was speaking. The situation, my anger, the person in front of me…. I (or this part of me) was just experiencing, observing what was happening, allowing everything to be just as it was, and not as they had to be in according to the wishes of my subjective vision. For the first time I was experiencing in practice the meaning of what the Eastern cultures usually called “the Witness”.I was simply something self conscious, who lied behind the manifested- vigilant, calm. I was alive.
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